How weird is it to talk to someone you broke up with over a year ago, and still have them treat you like a piece of shit? How weird is it also to realise they treated you like crap all through your relationship with them and only NOW realise theyre not worth the shit on your boots?

For my friends who know me, in my life, will know that i keep a journal. My Lucy Furrr journal that i usually have on me at all times.
In that journal, i have written every fucking truth of my whole life. If it was to be read by anyone, it would probably ruin everything about me because it holds my deepest secrets and especially desires.

I have written in this book about past friendships, actions, schoolfriends, housemates, fucks, loves, hates, bands, and all the rest of it, but i never even once mention this particular ex. Because it made me feel sick to think of them, because of what i had put her through and what she had put me through. i write about my whole life, but i left her out. I deleted her.
When i met her, she was no one. She was a kid. She had style and maybe a little bit of class, but other than that she had shitty taste in music and no idea how to express herself or tell people to get fucked. Slowly, i watched her transform from a pretty butterfly into a disgusting goth maggot. Backwards, yeah?
Her art is fantastic, maybe because she's filled with problems now.
I thought i was over this. I thought i had forgotten about all these horrible feelings. I thought it was gone. But these dormant feelings have come back, a little distorted but theyre familiar.
Smiles turn to violent laughter. Sadness turns to screaming. Love turns to rage and all i can think of is setting her on fire....just to save myself.
But mostly im angry at me. Im angry at letting this happen. Im angry at trying to give this creature a compliment after this time...i shouldve known, unfortunately i thought maybe she had grown up a little...

Times like these im so thankful for the people i have now. Im so thankful for the grownups.
Im thankful for my sickness, and my depression and my insanity and my self hatred and my hatred for her mostly.
Sometimes i miss loving these people, but im so much better off without them.
So much.
Im not even sure why this still affects me. Maybe because i havent actually dealt with it properly, which is what im doing right now.

And i have these people who help me. They care and i wonder why. I nevertell them how much they mean, so now i will. If i never say it again, atleast its written here so they can keep it forever.

Scott, we must live together again soon. Im so glad youre in my band, because it feels so much fuller with you there. Something that will be ours always.

Amanda, my amazing best friend. You have no idea how much you mean to me. When we are together, just sitting, just smoking, just drinking, just silent, just talking our heads off, just being, and just knowing that we will be friends forever because we dont need to say a thing to understand eachother.
i love you like a soul mate

lea, we dont talk enough, but its been great catching up with you. always when im feeling sad, you just turn up again and make me smile so fucking much with your new shirts and wearing two belts?? lol youre so stupid, only whores would wear two.

jazmyn, i dont tell you often, but i do care for you. You make me frown, we make each other fume, but i appreciate our talks. late at night when no one else is awake, you and i could talk forever right? yeah.

Cristy, we seem to be too similar, but youre the quiet me. open yourself more. let people see the beautiful girl thats inside you insted of hiding her away. its not fair that the world misses out on that.

kev, you always tell me the truth and i feel compelled to do the same to you. Youre amazing and so so beautiful, and i take everything you say into me because youre opinion matters to me. "if kev says it, it must be right" youre so beautiful to me...

Sophie, youve only been in my life a short while, but we've talked so much, i feel like ive known you for ages.
Industrial girls are my favourites youre inner and outer beauty just stuns me. Ive never met anyone like you before. thankyou for the music, it means alot.

Emma, childhood friends are sometimes the most important. i know you dont understand the things i do, and the way i am now, but understand that youre one of my longest friends and i love you. I'll do anything for you

Michelle, same as emma. My two oldest friends that still put up with me LOL, we should get some mountain bikes sometime and have races. id kick your ass these days mmm hmmm.

Meredith, one of the only people online at 3-6am when i cant sleep and i just need to be entertained. I love your hugs. and your feces emoticons. *rawr* and your photography, you make me look half pretty sometimes, thats gotta be good for ya!

Becky, i dont think you'll ever read this, but its here. I fucking love you so much. Youre too much for me sometimes, and your beauty and acceptance makes me cry sometimes. youre a true friend and i would do absolutely anything for you. I would die if it meant to save you, because i know youd do the same for me without hesitation.

Rana, im so glad i have your music in my head. im so glad that when im drunk, you'll sing and i will melt away. im so glad we took that trip together lol.
Im so glad i know you and you love my music as much as i love yours. dont ever change.

Jason Mcivor, you cunt. I love you and im so glad we grew up and found eachother again. Come back and see me some day because mot isnt the same without your big head here

Well thats all. these are the people who matter to me right now.
These are the real people and times like these i really appreciate it.